It's been a minuet since I've updated my blog... So HI!
I still haven't told the rest of my story regarding my Brain Tumor and you know, I need to. But hell, I never make enough time to write. It needs to be written out for future people who come across it randomly, as they search for hope when finding out about their tumor and for people in recovery. That's who I write for. So here's another piece of my story:
What I did when I was first diagnosed:
I searched and searched and searched. I couldn't seem to find anyone who continued to update their story after they had surgery. It's like all these peoples blogs just stopped. To me it meant 1 of 2 things.
1- They survived.
2- They died.
I just want to let you know that I had never heard of anyone with a brain tumor. About a week before I found out about mine, I randomly was watching a gossip show, like E.T (Entertainment Tonight) Don't judge, I don't even like T.V O.K? I could care less about celebrities unless they are like comedians. That's my jam right there. I could spend all my money to go to comedy clubs. Anyways- They had a story about Jennifer Anniston and one of her first loves, or the man she called "The Love Of Her Life" (So E.T claimed) had passed away years prior from Brain Cancer. I was so sad to hear that. I remember thinking "I don't know of anyone who has ever had Brain Cancer" and I felt like Brain Cancer was really rare. I mean, I really sat and pondered that exact thought as they moved onto who ever's ass was shown on Instagram or some shit like that. Like Justin Bieber or one of the Kardashians. It amazes me you can talk about something so sad and then move onto something that seriously doesn't matter. I don't understand celebrities or fame. What's up with that anyways? Ladies, stop showing your ass to the world. You know those photos stay out in the Universe forever, right?
Thank God we didn't have Instagram when we were in high school. Am I right? We sent those photos to CVS or Wallgreens to have some 16 year old kid manually print them out from something called a "disposable camera." You know the employees totally looked at all your photos! So you try not to make eye contact when going to pick them up, while telling them what letter your last name starts with so they can go search for them. But you could see it in their eyes that they're judging you from the party from the night before, as they hand them to you and you pay. You then bolt out of there, get into your car and quickly look through the photos to see how they turned out. We didn't have the option to take a photo and then delete it and take 40 more until you liked one. On that note, I was never that girl, my friends yes totally, but I was never a "flasher." Anyways, that turned into a really long paragraph but I'm not really a writer and run on sentences, spelling errors are kinda my thing. "It's my blog, I'll do what I want!"
Back to my story... So you can imagine when I found out about my tumor what I thought right? "I was going to die." Because I didn't know of anyone who was a brain cancer survivor or even anyone in the celebrity world who had over come it! I remembered Jennifer Anniston's true love sadly didn't survive. :( It kept going through my mind over and over. Sure I know tons of people who have survived breast cancer but not brain cancer.
I associated a brain tumor as being cancer and that was it. Little did I know you can have a tumor and it can benign. But how the hell was I supposed to know that? I never see commercials talking about brain tumor awareness. I never hear it on the radio, I never hear it from other peoples posts on Facebook. People share stupid shit on Facebook, that's not inspiring at the least. Facebook can be a time suck. Listen, while I have your attention about what you share on Facebook, you do realize if you share sad & depressing shit, or all you do is complain and spew anything negative, you have the power to make someone sad. This is why I only share uplifting, positive, happy things. Facebook has the power to make people feel emotions they were not intending to feel. Please think before you post!
O.K, you still there? Good... Hi... Apparently the month of May is "Go Grey In May" which is supposed to be Brain Tumor Awareness! Like what the actual fuck? How did I get to be 33 years of age and not have learned about any kind of brain tumor survival stories? I felt embarrassed but also I started researching like a mad Woman. I HAD to find at least one success story. If I could find at least one, then it would give me hope that I wasn't doomed. I started a Pinterest board and put a lot of the things I found there. I still do actually.
So that's what I did, only here is an honest tip when you're searching on Google. You shouldn't. Google is the worst place on the planet to do any kind of research. Just don't EVEN do it. I still did it but how the hell did I know any better? I had to guard my eyes like a mo-fo. UGG. I found tons of blogs where everyone started their journey and then once they had surgery, they stopped updating it. Where the hell did they go? What happened? Did they recover? Or the ones I did find that they updated told storied of recovery that gave me no hope. I won't even elaborate on that part, there is no need. I felt sad and lonely. Where could I find one single survivor who would put my mind at ease?
I finally did find a blog. He went through a lot and still is going through a lot, but his sense of humor matched mine to a T and I fell in love with his writing. I spent a full 2 weeks reading every single blog post he has ever written. I still check back in to see what's new. He put my mind at ease that you can survive a brain surgery because he had already been through his first surgery and was running to his next. Literally, he ran to the hospital before his surgery. He was one of the first survivor/people I found and I'll be forever greatful for what he shared on the interwebs, so that I could find some sort of warped peace with my journey. Now you're wondering who he is aren't you? I'll tell you about him later, he deserves his own post and there is apart of keeping it a secret that is fun. But just kidding, you can ask.
I would go onto find a few groups on Facebook. DUH. I didn't really use Facebook at the time and didn't even think to look! One of my friends told me about one group and I found some others. All of which have been amazing support for me before and after recovery. Especially my nutrition group, that of which I would have been lost with out. If you don't feed your body and brain correctly through all of this, you better start now. Which is what I spend lots of my day talking to people about. It was major for me and still is. If you want me to add you, shoot me a message. I'd be happy to.
Brain Tumors Aren't Always Cancer
There is a weird confusion that if you're diagnosed with a tumor that it means you have cancer. I'm not even kidding. I've had other Doctors, yes Doctors with PHD's over the year, (before and after surgery) that said "Sorry about your Cancer" on multiple occasions. Where in my chart did it say I have Cancer? Even after my tests showed my tumor was benign? HELLO!? I'm here to tell you that it doesn't always mean that and that Doctors don't always know what they are talking about. My husband and I stopped correcting them and would just giggle and say thank you. You have to understand we saw so many Doctors. Why correct them if we were never going to see them again? My actual Doctors on my case knew it wasn't cancer.
So if you're just finding out about a tumor, no matter the kind, take a deep breath and take it moment by moment. It is scary, I absoloutly understand how you are feeling. After my surgery they shipped off my tumor to UCLA for testing but at that point I was happy to be alive and what's done was done. I had the mindset that if it was Cancer I was ready to fight it and if it was not I was ready to fight whatever came my way. So just know there is hope. O.K? and NOW you have my wonderful bog to read so you don't have to search Google's interwebs of doom.
P.S- Are you wondering why my photo is someones hair with a fork in it? No? Yes? Did you even notice? If you didn't you just scrolled up didn't you. I don't have a good answer for you. I just went with my intuition on this one.